T-Minus....?

Everyone asks me, so when are you due? March 22nd? Well that is the official due date. But when you are a high risk pregnancy, due dates do not have quite the same meaning. Because of my previous stillbirth, most doctors would agree that the baby should be delivered as soon as she is within the window of full term (37 weeks). While there are risks associated with an early induction, many feel it is worthwhile to prevent a potential repeat of a stillbirth.

March 3rd is the first suggested date for induction. This is three weeks early. Three weeks my little girl could have inside of me continuing to grow big and strong, or three weeks for something to potentially go wrong again. Given the circumstances of Lia's stillbirth, I am told there is no increased risk for a repeat stillbirth, yet I am encouraged to take on the risks of an early induction for the well being of my baby. To many this is an easy decision, for me it is has been a daily battle.

I feel obligated to give this little girl the freedom to live and arrive in her time and in her way. It doesn't feel right to me to force her into the world a few weeks early because of a fear of something that most likely will not occur. I am being monitored twice a week, and should a problem arise, I would not hesitate to have her delivered immediately. But for now she is healthy and strong. Oh how I wish she could have the same time in my womb that her big sisters had to continue to grow.

In this pregnancy I am living with greater caution, I am reducing the risk factors, we are monitoring her growth and vitality regularly. But these are burdens we take upon ourselves to ensure this little ones well being. It feels unfair to pass this burden on to a little infant having her come into the world before her time.

I am looking forward to holding her, but not on my due date, not on a date when I feel I have had enough waiting, when I have had enough of constantly subconsciously monitoring her every movement. I want to hold her on her due date - the day she is ready to enter this world.

Throughout this little girl's life, I will constantly be challenged to make decisions based on wisdom and not on fear. But on what day does that begin? On what day do I begin to choose to hold this little one with an open hand of faith rather than a tight fist of fear?

Perhaps that day is on March 3rd. Perhaps that is the day, when with an open hand of faith, I place the well being of my little baby in the hands of doctors who feel she is strong enough to be outside the womb. But perhaps the faith needed on March 3rd is the faith to say not yet. I want to make this decision based on wisdom, not on fear.