A Good 2009

It has been a challenging year.

Adjusting to life with 3 kids, another long deployment, health problems.

I was beginning to hate 2009. I was beginning to be glad it was over. I didn't want to celebrate the New Year because I thought it would make me reflect on the old one, and I didn't want to go there.

Then came Baby Jared.

Baby Jared is my friend Sarah's 3rd baby. Her first, Noelle, is a friend of my daughters. Her second, Jeffery, I am looking forward to meeting in Heaven someday. And on December 30th Baby Jared was born.

In 2007 and 2008, were difficult years for our church as 6 women, including myself, lost children. In 2009, 6 babies were placed into each of those arms. Samantha, Emma, Sarah, Timothy, Gus, and now Jared.

I was beginning to think that 2009 was just another year full of challenge and trial. But in this single year, each family has been blessed. And for that I am thankful.

So to my mommy friends Aylin, Billie, Nancy, Katie and Sarah... I joyful wish you a happy 2010. May our hearts be as full of hope as our arms have been in 2009!

De Ja Vue

Today I watched my childhood dancing in a field clinging to a kite.

My second born, Jordan, is looking more like me each day. We have the same hair type and color, the same distant expression when lost in thought, the same body that is way to flexible and prone to aches and pains. While she is clearly her own person with great uniqueness, I can see pieces of me hiding within her complexity.

But today was something more than just watching my own child play. Today was like watching an old home video of 31 years ago. I cannot tell you what memory I was feeling ~ the details have been lost through the years ~ but watching little Jordan today, running through a field clinging to a kite took me back to somewhere.

For all the times I have watched her play, for all the times I have been caught up in her joy, never before have I felt this connection. Perhaps it was her corduroy dress, turtleneck shirt, and new bob haircut with bangs ~ a combination circa 1978. Perhaps it was watching her interact with Daddy as he told her to hold on tight. All I know is that I have been in that moment before, 3 years old, lost in the joy of a beautiful afternoon and in the company of my Daddy.

I didn't have my camera today to capture the moment, but I know that the images written on my heart are far more beautiful than any technology could create.

25 Days of Christmas

Every year since having children, I have ended the Christmas season with regret. I desire to make it fun, magical, and meaningful, yet every year all my good intentions are lost in a sea of shopping bags in a vain attempt to make meaning out of materialism.

But this year, I am hoping things will be different.

I have always loved the idea of advent calendars, but I wanted more than just little doors to open with candy inside. So this year, we made paper chains to help count down the days to Christmas. The girls cut the paper and Kaiden wrote the numbers on each slip of paper. (Homeschool hint: you can practice odds and evens with the red and green alternating days!) Then I wrote an activity on each slip of paper. Each morning, the girls cut the next link of the chain and find out the Christmas activity for the day. Now we truly celebrate Christmas for 25 days!

The great part is the simplicity. Some days, the activity is nothing more than watching a Christmas video or setting out the Little People Nativity set. Some events are more involved, like decorating cookies or making gifts for friends. And while I planned out all the events on a calendar ahead of time, I am not bound to follow the plan. If an activity for the day is too daunting, I just replace it with another slip of paper and a new activity. (Now if only I could get Kaiden to quit reading ahead!)

In planning the events, I have tried to keep with the advent themes for each week (Hope, Peace, Love, and Joy). So for example, on the Love week, we have activities like making gifts for friends, buying groceries for the needy, and buying presents for Angel Tree kids.

Here are some other fun events from our 25 days of Christmas:

Christmas Oatmeal (with red and green sprinkles!), painting toenails red and green, driving to see Christmas Lights, wrapping presents, singing Christmas carols, lighting the advent wreath, decorating their bedroom for Christmas, making Christmas cards, having the neighbor kids over for a Christmas tea party, and having a snowman party on the first day of winter.

What a joy it is to have Christmas last all month!

Shrinking Buts

I have been blogless for a while now. And when I am not writing, it means I am not processing life. And when I am not processing life, then something is amiss. Right now, it is my health. I have lots of symptoms and few answers, but mainly my health problems are all related to complications from a ventral hernia (above the belly button) and pancreatitis. And those two things are the result of 4 pregnancies in 5 years.

In the past 5 years, through hurricanes, babies, deployments, deaths, and a thousand other moments of pain and joy, I have found a strength which I never new was mine to hold. But that strength has been tested at a whole new level these past months. Every previous trial I have faced has felt like something outside of myself. But this trial of health is within. With other trials, the more effort I put forth, the stronger I become. Now, the greater I fight, the weaker I am. Other trials have caused me to value each day, not knowing when I may have to say goodbye to someone. But this trial has caused me to value each day because I am coming to grips with my own mortality. I doubt these problems would take my life, but just knowing that significant parts of my body are beginning to fail has caused me many sleepless nights.

I am embarrased to admit the panic that my health has caused in me. After all that I have endured, can I not withstand the complications of a weakened body? I find myself once again saying "Lord use me, Lord refine me, but just don't...." I want to believe that He can use me, but I keep finding there is always something I am afraid to let go of, and right now, it is my health.

There is always a "but" somewhere in my faith. So here is a little humor - my ailments have greatly restricted my eating, and as a result, I am losing weight. So if this trial keeps up, my butt will get smaller, now if only my restricted diet would cause the "but" of my faith to shrink!

Okay, that will be my new prayer -- Lord, please shrink my "but"!

Hurry Up and Slow Down

A children's book with a moral for moms...

We are studying turtles this week and I found this cute book at the local library. I figured it would have an excellent lesson for my children on being diligent, swift to obey, while always be sure to do a good job. But instead, the moral was for me

Hare is a fast mover. Always on the go. Always asking Tortoise to hurry up. He never wants to sleep in, never wants to be still, and is ready for dessert before Tortoise has even take his first bite of lunch. (Hmm.. sure sounds like some preschoolers in my house!).

But then comes Tortoise's favorite time of day, when Hare settles down to sleep. Tortoise fixes a cup of chamomile tea and just as he sits, the plea comes... can you read me a story? And Tortoise, who always moves slow, reads the book just as fast as he can, eyeing his rapidly cooling tea the whole time.

Hare looks at Tortoise... Hurry up and Slow Down! We need to take time and look at the pictures. Tortoise smiles at Hare, and reads the book again, nice and slow.

I am the Tortoise.

All through my day I find myself running to keep up with children three steps ahead of me. And then, just as the nap time begins or as the sun sets, I with lightning speed rush through the bedtime routine. In the window of time when my children are actually ready to sit and listen, I have no time for them. Instead I rock my children with one eye fixed on the computer screen, longing to update my facebook status. I mindlessly read a chapter of Heidi while contemplating my to-do list for the next day.

Then the questions come. Mommy, why did Jesus die? Mommy, where is heaven? Mommy, why does my tummy hurt when I do something wrong? Mommy, can I have a water cup?

I need to hurry up and slow down. Childhood is amazing -- they need to go fast all day, after all, there is an entire world to discover. But they need me to sit slowly with them at night, while they try to make sense of it all.

I am thankful for children's books that aren't afraid to put a Momma in her place.

A Little Husband Humor

The two most challenging commands in the Bible for men:

1. 1 Peter 1:16 - Be holy because God is holy.

2. 1 Peter 3:7 -- Live with your wife in an understanding manner

I confess that I make that second command nearly impossible to fulfill!

The Flesh is Weak

I am thankful for babies that wake up at 3am. I am thankful for children who have constant demands. I am thankful for loads of laundry that do not fold themselves and piles of dishes that must be put away. I am thankful for the thousand issues of my day that challenge me.

Jesus said, "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Too many times I have had a good intention or a heavenly prompting that was left undone due to laziness. Though my spirit desires to do good, my flesh, my body, just isn't up to the task. It needs a boot camp. It needs to be pulled out of its indulgent, demanding, self-seeking pit and whipped into shape.

With every late night feeding, every meal cooked, every diaper changed, every shirt hung and sock found, every plate scrubbed, I am training my body. I am training it to realize there is something beyond hunger and sleep. I am training it to be ready for the real work - the work of the spirit.

Lord thank you for the trying times, the tiring times, and the mundane times. Thank you for the trials that force me to find strength I did not know I had. Thank you for opportunities to train my body and prepare it for Your tasks.