Anxious

Tomorrow, Friday, is a big day for me.  I have been struggling with an abdominal injury for nearly 3 years, and tomorrow we travel to Dallas to meet with a surgeon who may be able to correct the problem.

But today I am anxious.  I have my mind all wrapped around what the consultation will be like, wondering if they truly will have my best interest in mind, wondering if they will understand my descriptions of symptoms.  I am anxious because the last 3 years medically have felt like a brick wall.  I thought I was heading down a good and promising path only to smack my face, bruise my ego, and expose my weak and doubting spirit.

But the past month has felt remarkably different.  New hospital, new surgeons, new city, new insurance, and suddenly the path feels smooth.  Each step of the way this month, from new CT scans, changing insurance, and ordering medical records has been a complete breeze with people along the way giving helpful counsel and pointing me in directions I would never have considered. 

Yet I keep bracing myself for the brick wall.

And today was the worst of all.  The entire day felt like a vain search for some kind of reassurance.  I wanted so badly to know that Friday would go well, that I completely forgot to take care of Thursday's own things.  But this evening an unusual request from my daughter brought me back into focus.

At bedtime, Jordan asked me to read outloud from her "Jesus Calling" devotional book.  I have only read from the book once before, and the directness of her request made it clear this was an important thing for me to do.  One look at the title of today's entry and I knew why I was to read it.

March 29th:  Everything In Its Own Time

"Stop trying to work things out before their time has come."

I had tried for 10 months back in 2010 to work things out in regards to my abdominal injury.  It lead me to 2 severe medical poisonings, muscle degeneration, digestive disorders, and much sadness.  I wanted to be healed so I tried to knock down closed doors, I tried to work things out, on my own, before its time had come.

"You can't take Friday's math test on Thursday.  You can't celebrate your August birthday in June.  And you can't make My will happen before the right time."

Well let's see - I have a big thing happening on Friday, but I am sweating it on Thursday.  And my birthday really does happen to be in August.  But seriously, I think the danger in trying to make something happen before its time is that God is forced to say No to something He may actually be planning to say Yes to! I have heard so many No's concerning my health, that I have come to believe that No is the final answer.  Perhaps the final answer is Yes - but only by His time.

"Your life will be much less complicated and confusing if you chose to live life one day at a time.  There is a time for everything - and I will help you do everything I want you to do, in its own time."

It does seem that God is helping this time.  Brick walls are gone and a pathway lies before us.

Today my mind was all wrapped up around Friday, and as a result I wasted my Thursday.  But God has Friday, and every day through eternity wrapped in His hand.  Which is where I need to rest tonight.

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Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.