Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Last Baby?

In the middle of a very rough pregnancy day last week, Mark asked me if I was glad that this was my last pregnancy. (Not that it has been officially decided, after all, we thought we were "done" 3 years ago!)

My answer surprised him. If this is my final pregnancy, I am sad. I feel in a way that I am taking myself out of the battle, away from the war zone. That I am turning in my papers and refusing to re-enlist.

None of my pregnancies have been easy, but that has actually been a great blessing. Without the hardships and trials of childbirth, would I be the person I am today? Would I know the Lord the way I do? Would I have forged a faith that is convinced it can withstand anything? Would I have the value system I have today?

I would never ask to walk through the fires of fear, pain, and grief - but I would never exchange what I have gained for an easier road. Somehow, being done with pregnancy, never going through this again feels like the easier road. Should we be done, I have to trust that God will still provide plenty of trials on the new road for me to walk through alongside Him. But for right now the potential turn in the path saddens me.

I fear the easy road, the wide and smooth path. I fear the person I would become in such a life - lazy, complacent, selfish. I want the battle for there is when I am forced to be my best and to call upon the Lord daily for the strength I do not have. I would rather struggle through every day here and rest well in heaven someday than to have the easy path and find I have earned nothing but dust.

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