But What If.......

Over the past few years, through deployments and through grief, I have learned that God is not a God of "what if" He is the God of "what is". Nothing is unknown to Him, nothing takes Him by surprise. He does not contemplate the what ifs..... but I do.

It is a great challenge for me to not dwell in the what if's, especially with so many in my life. What if Mark's flight today doesn't go well... What if he doesn't return from the next deployment... What if this was the last holiday I will see my aging Grandparents... What if something happens to my girls... What if something happens to our new baby...

I can always tell when I begin to live in the land of what if - I become anxious and everything around me because shadowed in gray. If I follow the thought too far, I feel surrounded by darkness. But this is not surprising. You see, God is light and the opposite of Him is darkness and confusion. When I live in the what-ifs, I am not living where He is. God is the God of what is and He has extended to me the grace for this day. To attempt to live beyond that, in the world of if, is to live outside of His grace and His light and therefore dwell in darkness and confusion.

Last week, the first time T4 had a nighttime spell of decreased movement, I was overwhelmed with all the what ifs. And the darkness closed in fast. But following a good checkup from the OB in the morning, I sat with Mark in a hospital cafeteria and made myself look at the "is".... My husband by my side, my children safe, my baby alive, and the grace to cope with the very real fear of losing my baby.

Yes it is appropriate to think ahead, plan and be prepared. But choosing to dwell in the light of God means that I do not place faith in those plans but in God instead. There are times that I think I am in control of this pregnancy - when I take all my what-if fears and micromanage them. But the days appointed for this child lie solely in the hand of the Creator.

I am not to live in what-if, but there are times when God does ask me that very question. He asks, what if it is part of my plan for this child to not be perfect, what if it is part of my plan for this child to have a brief life, what if it is part of my plan for this child to face hardships.... will you still trust Me?

I do not know what the future holds for our little girl. I do not know if I will see her smile, see her learn to walk, or see her walk down the aisle someday. But I do know that the Lord will always give me the strength and grace to cherish each day that is mine to have with her.